Episode 29: Roaring Forward – S1

Wwwwwwwelcome to another edition of the Civ... Battle Rrrrrrroyale. I’m bluesox. You may know me from my roles as the New Units and City Captures tracker for Mk. 2, the host of the Civ Rap Battle Royale (which is still open for registration), or perhaps as the orchestrator of the Battle Royale Stock Exchange (soon to return with a slew of new features for all your speculative desires). If you don’t recognize my username, then welcome to the fold! I’m glad that you’ve discovered the Civ Battle Royale. This is the third full-scale simulation to emerge from r/civbattleroyale, pitting 61 AI competitors against each other for global domination, and the first run under the watch of Blue Cassette. I couldn’t be more delighted to bring you this incredibly action-packed episode, full of twists, turns, and penis jokes. I’m honored to ring in the Twenties by closing out the twenties. This is Episode 29: Roaring Forward!

Our OC of the Week is the latest news from the Prussian Monitor, courtesy of OneHalfCupFlour. This is far and away my favorite series of original content. Years ago I helped create the Battle Royale Network, so it brings me great joy to see how OneHalfCupFlour has executed that idea with such polish and consistent witticism. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to search for “Prussian Monitor” on r/CivBattleRoyale and read through the issues to see how the world has evolved through the ages with that farm-raised grass-fed free-range organic 100% fair trade Grade A five-star flair that only Prussian propaganda can provide.

This map from thehonestyfish shows the full extent of Korea. This really drives home the might that the Haida and Shikoku threw against them to take them out so suddenly.

And the obligatory inclusion of the latest Hand-Drawn Map by Vihreaa gives us the best possible look at the cylinder as we left it. Take a good long look, because there may be a quiz on this later.

I suppose I’ll add some filler and let the image sink in. You are about to encounter a mix of analysis, speculation, open bias, recurring gags, and uncharacteristically juvenile humor. There are also a few stray expletives. In other words…

Rob Schneider’s just a regular guy who likes to watch football. He eats pizza and plays Call of Duty on weekends. Until one day, he wakes up as the Civ Battle Royale! Now he’s giving life one more turn. With low-brow humor and shoehorned punchlines in his arsenal, he’s declaring war on frowny faces. But if he wants to slay the audience he better think fast before he gets…”Uh, oh!” ...eliminated. Rob Schneider is Seabricks. Rated PG-13.

I’m giving it a 50/50 shot between Iroquois and Uruguay to be in the top spot this week, but in all honesty they’re two sides of the same coin to me. Think about it. Iroquois. Uruguay. They’re basically the same word in different regional dialects. Nobody really likes either of them. One is designed to dominate single-player campaigns. One is designed to dominate Battle Royale campaigns. The fact that they’re at each other’s throats only gives the rest of the cylinder a glimmer of hope, which is all I ask at this point.

What if it’s actually Zimbabwe? There’s no way they jump to number one just because Madagascar is inept. Is there? No, that’s crazy talk.

We start where we left Episode 28, off the Gulf of Haiti… er, Venezuela. Haiti had a good run, but after squandering their chances in the early game, their elimination was assumed. The question that remained concerned which civ would strike the killing blow. Good job by Venezuela here, consolidating the entire southern region of the Gulf to help fend off any naval attacks from the East.

Oh, and Uruguay has reclaimed Teiaiagon from the Iroquois. I’m especially excited to be able to be here for this battle of the titans. Let’s see how it unfolds!  

Tonga fans rejoice as their navy continues to intrude on the final Aztec city of Tlacopan. Or, they would if Tonga had managed to bring a melee unit along.

Oh, hi there! It appears Canton still exists, despite all odds. I’m thoroughly impressed with their tenacity in this unstable region of the map. How the Taungoo or Shikoku haven’t made mincemeat of them by now is anyone’s guess.

Venezuela shows us another side of their competent defensive strategy with this war-weathered fleet in place to block naval attacks from the west. However, were Tonga to strike now, they could send this entire detachment to the bottom of the Pacific in just a couple of turns.

As predicted in Episode 28, the one-tile lane along the Arctic perimeter has stalled any progress by either the Qing or the Yu’pik here. Expect it to stay that way until either side exercises the nuclear option.

In other news, it’s now Tonga-thirty as they come to their senses and give up their assault on Tlacopan to avoid the warmongering penalty.

The Apache claim Lépai-Ndé from the Iroquois, but a Tongan peacekeeping force keeps either side of the Apache-Iroquios skirmish from inflicting much further damage aside from the occasional air raid. Thankfully, Blue Cassette has opened discussion for solutions to the Peacekeeper Problem™ that has plagued the CBR all the way back to Mk 1. Please join the discussion on Discord and the subreddit. Make your voice heard! There’s far too much PP™ on the map, and the upcoming decision will have a much larger impact than any contestants or additional mods that may be added to the game.

Despite having a very thin army, the Moors have still been productive. As this armada clearly shows, their main concern is keeping pace in the arms race with their western neighbor, Uruguay. Not that it will make any difference in the long run, but it’s a good effort.

In the dual-sided war that the Apache are waging, would anyone have guessed that Venezuela would have better success than the Iroquois this Episode? So far that is the case, but if there’s been any lesson to learn these past few Episodes it’s that momentum can shift in an instant.

The Iroquois put their Future Era units to use, recapturing not just Teiaiagon but Fólibéte and Itsagahiti, apparently with the help of a flying manta ray. Furthermore, with Ganneious holding onto a sliver of health they’re poised to send Uruguay reeling back to San Carlos.

The Kiwi-Aussie rivalry heats up with Australia carpeting Selk’nam territory and sabotaging the assault from New Zealand, allowing the Selk’nam to recapture their island holdings off the western tip of South America.

Holding true to real life, we see the list of civs we love to hate… I mean view the most. Speaking of which, we haven’t gotten a good look at the Sami or Taungoo cores in a while. I wonder if they have anything to show us this time around.

Lépai-Ndé is once again Iroquois, thanks to a peace treaty that is sure to last exactly ten turns. This should come as good news to Iroquois fans, since they can now give their full attention to the Iro-Guay war.

With no conflict to obstruct, the Tongan peacekeepers move eastward. Perhaps they’re planning a sneak attack! Wouldn’t that be fun? No worries to fans of future peace, though, as the Métis and Nazca have filled in to take their place.

Zimbabwe watches.

With few cities left to defend, Madagascan troops are resigned to roam the African mainland in the hopes that they may be conscripted to fight as mercenaries in a foreign war and rebuild their empire with fortunate timing. However, every turn that passes leaves them further obsolete and diminishes that possibility.

With three naval powerhouses sharing a common border point, this location is destined to get much more attention in the future. It’s strange to think of Australia as a powerhouse again, but their success against the Murri several episodes ago has ensured they will once again be ranked annoyingly high for the foreseeable future.

The saving grace here is the lack of full naval carpets from any of the three civs. Take a moment to enjoy this scene while it remains peaceful.  

Uruguay wins another game of Carribean tennis, pushing the Iroquois back to Teiaiagon one more. It also seems that the Tongan peacekeepers have reached their destination.

I like to think of the Tongan peacekeepers as a group of soldiers who uncovered old texts from ancient times while traversing the Pacific isles. Now they’re deserters in Hare Krishna robes with flowers in their helmets, wandering around the cylinder to spread the word of Kamehameha the First to any and all who will listen.

Kazakhstan raises their happiness and culture with every Broadcast Tower by completing the Tokyo SkyTree, expanding the reach of their transmissions boasting superior potassium.

In other news, Shikoku is poised to take the current Qing capital of Wuchang! I’ve been thoroughly impressed with the Shikoku mod crafted by our very own Homusubi. It’s been a long time since I’ve played a game of Civ myself, but I’ll most definitely be using this mod in the next one. Just have to remember to use an Archipelago map to maximize their UA. Great job on this mod, Homusubi!

New Zealand is not keen on the Selk’nam regaining control of their western isles and sends a handful of ships to rectify the situation. He wisely starts with Elk, which has seen their air force depleted from five to two ships. However, Seddon understands that zero ships is better than two when it comes to oppositional forces.

And Shikoku snipes Wuchang from Cixi! This is a glorious day for Shikoku supporters all around as they now have a base north of the mountains to infiltrate mainland Asia. If history has taught us anything, it’s that civs in this region can’t be bothered to put up any sort of commendable defense (Goddamnit, Forgie) leaving the path wide open for Shikoku to become the East Asian superpower of the future.

Venezuela continues to show they deserve their place in the CBR by taking another city off of the Apache. They continue to impress by solidifying control of the Gulf with the capture of Tsézhiné.

In other news, the Goths decide the Seljuqs are no longer worth their time.

In this scene, the PP™ has overtaken the Eastern Seaboard as we see more peacekeepers than native units. The reasoning for this should have fans of the Iroquios concerned. They are losing a LOT of units in the Iro-Guay War, and will not be able to haemorrhage units at this rate much longer just for control of three indefensible islands. Even worse, Uruguay is focusing their attack on Deseroken, where the Iroquois have foolishly consolidated half of their air force in the region.

In the middle of the screen stands the 30-population city of Merv. With zero HP left, it’s practically begging to be captured. Yet, nobody seems desperate enough to send a melee unit. The Goths would, but the futility and suffering endured by the Golden Horde has practically turned them into Goths as it is.

On the other side of the city, however, Benin has thrown up the largest middle finger to Parthia by completely blocking any chance of them advancing on the city, proving that it isn’t the size of the PP™ that matters, but how it’s put to use.

Zimbabwe watches.

They thought they were gangsta, but they never capped nothing. Now they’re stuck in Changsha, and they need to stop running.

Nearby Wuchang once again ain’t nothing to fuck with. Now reinforced by Power Rangers, any chance of a Qing retaliation is no more. At least Shikoku was nice enough to grant open borders to the Yu’pik so they can feel like they’re helping.

Deseroken has fallen to Uruguay, dealing a MASSIVE blow to the Iroquois. Putting all their eggs in one basket cost them dearly, as a whopping TEN air units have been destroyed in one blow. They would be wise to peace out for a few turns and regroup now that their long-range strategy is neutered for the moment.

As if fending off the Nazca isn’t enough of a challenge, Tonga has decided to take on the Eldritch Horror itself. This is mostly a strategic move to gain favor with New Zealand, which I can’t knock them for. However, once tensions boil over with Australia, it’s going to put them in a very tenuous position. Although, that may be giving them too much credit for lasting that long, considering they’re still sporting Classical Era ships when faced with battleships and submarines.

The stalemate on this border has broken as the Apache find a way around the PP™ and into Iroquois territory. How effective it will be remains to be seen, as Chihéné is just barely clinging to life and the current Apache capital (You’re welcome, Dawkinzz) is taking damage.

With the Apache conflict on hold and the Iro-Guay war raging on, the Iroquois can’t risk turning their backs to their hated neighbors to the north. The Métis look fully prepared to stage an invasion at a moment’s notice. Good thing Ottawa has started training their Unique Unit, the Iroquois Special Forces, which gets additional movement and coastal bonuses. These units should prove useful in their current battle with Lavalleja.

Uruguay descends… or ascends, depending how you look at it, on Porlamar. They’re not messing around this time, sending enough troops to reclaim the island five times over.

Gaining control of the entire eastern border up to the IRL Carolinas is actually a saving grace for everyone on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean (except for the Iroquois, of course). This will limit any transatlantic wars to simply be glorified denouncements for diplomatic gain, unless either side can gain enough favor with Uruguay to be granted open borders.

The Nazca have exposed a crack in Tonga’s Pacific beltline and snaked their way through the hairy mass of ships clogging the path to Haveluloto, plunging thousands of Tongan soldiers to the ocean floor. They have begun to drain the city of health, and may clear the way for a pipeline to Asia. However, flooding into Asiatic lands would require a joint effort, requiring them to possibly form a union with unexpected allies.

How can I cram another plumbing reference into this scene? Super Mario. Yeah. That works.

Elk now rests in the hands of Seddon, and the Selk’nam better find a way to call it quits before the cavalry arrives. There’s quite a healthy collection of naval vessels heading toward the frontlines, and nearly every one of them is carrying a land unit. This does not bode well for the Selk’nam at all. Their best hope is to orchestrate an accord in the next World Congress and bribe one of New Zealand’s neighbors to stage a surprise assault before fiery death makes landfall.

I can’t quite put into words how thrilled I am to be narrating this part. This is the exact moment I have been waiting for. After 28 and a half episodes, I can finally unscissor my fingers. “Why?” you may ask. It’s the moment of reckoning.

INDIRA GANDHI HAS JUST. COMPLETED. THE MANHATTAN PROJECT.

This is huge. With our very own Scissor_Fingers giving India an absurdly high (as in maxed out) Build Nuke and Use Nuke bias, the Himalayas are mere turns away from becoming a glowing wasteland. I pity any nation that dares to declare war against India. With such a high tendency for nuclear annihilation, I wouldn’t put it past her to declare war against unrelated nations just to clear out neighboring peacekeepers.

Oh, and yet another wonder goes to Uruguay. This time it’s the Orbital Refinery, granting them 12 free Nanomaterials, along with +2 production from Factories and Nanomaterial Plants. What’s their production per turn now? It must be nearing five figures at this point, if it hasn’t already cleared that threshold.

I’m not quite sure how it happened or who’s to blame here, but save for the stretch south of Tchihende every citadel on the screen has been pillaged. Perhaps someone from Blue Cassette can fill us in.

Nevertheless, there’s a more amusing situation afoot. It appears that, despite the main conflict in the area being put on hold, war is still raging in North America. The opposing peacekeepers brought by Tonga and the Nazca are fighting each other on the Iroquois-Apache border. How ironic.

The Yu’pik have retreated from their war with Cixi, leaving a damaged privateer on the frontlines in a measly attempt at intimidation, while the rest of the world takes pity on the rump state and withdraws from any involvement in the skirmish. This leaves their final stronghold on a silver platter for Shikoku, who look keen to take the bait that will ensure ire from the rest of the cylinder, followed by an immediate dogpile. Welp, good luck, boys.

To be honest, I’ve taken a liking to the Shikoku, partly because of Homusubi’s involvement in the last Civ Rap Battle Royale. (Registration is still open for the upcoming tournament, by the way. Head to r/civrapbattleroyale to sign up!) My favorite part of this current Battle Royale is that we get to see civs created by our own community put to the test in the ultimate meat grinder, and I will give all of them my full support as we go forward. Except Uruguay, because they’re just too darn good at this. However, I’m still holding onto hope that someone… anyone… can snipe that juicy capital and cripple them by plundering all their wonders.

Wait! What!? How?! That’s right, folks. As it always was, it shall always be… TONGA TIME! Rotorua once again takes on a less sickening shade as the Nazca lose their island outpost. With lesser tech and fewer units I honestly didn’t see this coming, and continue to be stunned by Tonga’s strategic prowess on a weekly basis. Could they be our true saviors, the destined liberators of Montevideo?

The Kiwi claw grips Xo’on Uhan-Té by the ball-shaped islands as Seddon paves the way for a two-pronged attack, and Australia clearly wants absolutely no part of it. Strangely enough, it appears the land units jumped overboard before the fleet made its approach on the Selk’nam. Although a bit confusing, it’s not a bad strategy if you ask me. Let the ships roll in and take the most damage, then follow in with ground reinforcements to secure territory. I’ll have to try that next time.

What have we here? It appears Lavalleja’s good buddy Mutota has had enough of his shenanigans and is blocking Uruguay from taking Porlamar. Yet, the city is ripe enough for the taking that the Guay troops off its shore can’t stop trying anyway, leaving Deseroken undefended long enough for the Iroquois to reincorporate it into the motherland. Thanks, Mutota. You’re not so bad after all.

Looks like the Selk’nam don’t have to wait for the next World Congress after all! After a healthy dose of FOMO, Seddon has made the jump on Siaosi to get a taste of Tonga Time himself. Any RPG player here can tell you that light deals double damage versus dark, and vice versa. But with both sides on the screen already embroiled in transpacific conflicts as it is, that effectively halves the powers these two Oceanic military masters have at their disposal, making this an even match. Tonga clearly has more units on display, but we can’t forget the detachment left behind a couple of scenes ago. That Kiwi Pincer Attack is still in place, and now has an extra option on its plate.

Seriously, though, this could be devastating for New Zealand. After being eviscerated by Taungoo a short while ago, this is likely the second worse move the Kiwis could make, close behind a full-scale invasion of Australia. I don’t have much hope for them, but I am greatly optimistic about Tonga’s chances here. They could easily add another five or six cities to their empire if they leave a minimal defense around Rotorua and let the Nazca slog it out for control for the next few turns. This will be a fun one to watch.

The detachment is detached no more as New Zealand proves the earlier theory correct. The land units in waiting are now descending on the Selk’nam mainland after Seddon has taken control of the entire western archipelago.

I hate to say it, Dawkinzz, but things don’t look good for your boys in yellow here. The Selk’nam are fielding woefully outdated units, and their greatest hope is an Australian blockade. Short of Seddon turning his full attention toward Tonga, or Uruguay taking offense to someone beating up on little brother, it appears that the doom clock has started for the Eldritch Horror. LOVECRAFT is writing the final chapter as time marches on.

Holy snipes, Batman! Shikoku broke down Changsha’s door, just to let the Yu’pik slide in for the kill. This is actually a huge blessing to Shikoku, saving them from that warmonger penalty. But wow. This episode is just chock full of surprises! Cixi can’t be counted out, though. She still has… Are those Ironclads off the coast? Yikes. Good luck with that.

Rotorua is Nazca once more, and Haveluloto -- though well defended -- is in the black. Tonga is teetering on the brink of disaster in this eastern front, but that may be due to a concentrated effort against New Zealand. As long as they can hold the line as it currently stands, they’ll have a fighting chance.

Is this how it all started? Did New Zealand find a small exploration crew in the middle of nowhere and decide they could rough up these punks to send a message? How do you go 12-on-5 with superior weaponry and still end up taking more total damage? CBRX, you crazy.

Cixi still controls one caravel, which is like saying the patient still has blood in its veins. Nevertheless, I’m calling it. Time of death, 4130 AD. Turn 486. What could have been a great empire was relegated to a snowy patch of arctic wasteland, following the trend of many Asian civs of Civ Battle Royales past. Early mishaps and blunders sometimes get the better of would-be kings and queens. Better luck next time, Cixi.

F

Oh look. We’re back where we started at Teiaiagon, with Uruguay in control again. That’s ni-- ohhhhhhh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Uruguay has XCOMs now. That’s all, folks. With their absurd production and melee bias, the light blue hue is destined to spread across the world map like a virus that doesn’t actually make you feel too bad to contract, if we’re being honest. It’s a pleasant shade of blue, deceptively welcoming and calming… before it rains down from the sky and incinerates everything you’ve ever loved and held dear. But at least it’s pretty to look at.

And as if that weren’t scary enough, Lavalleja has just completed Angelnet, doubling the effect of Utility Fogs, which also now produce +2 happiness for your expansion pleasure. If there’s a silver lining to all of this, it’s that we won’t have to cry over the unnecessary razing of beloved cities any time soon.

It turns out Bob Hawke was just keeping the tiles warm for Seddon, as we can see by the Australian units politely stepping aside for New Zealand’s invasion of the Selk’nam. Haiyuwel and Kauxsel are down to half-health, and it doesn’t look like anyone is going to stop it from getting worse any time soon. The effects of taking Haiyuwel will be magnificent, though. That puts New Zealand directly on Uruguay’s doorstep, giving the two biggest warmongers in the hemisphere a shared border. Expect the neighboring tiles to flood with defensive armies in no time flat.

That’s nice of New Zealand to get rid of those cumbersome privateers so Tonga can replace them with modern ships. But in all honesty, this isn’t looking too good for Tonga. New Zealand is intruding on their territory and thinning out their navy while effectively setting up a line of defense that Tonga is ill-prepared to cross. Turns out this was a strategic gem from Seddon once again, reinforcing his reputation as a naval genius. Jolly good show.

This is how it starts. The Khamugs beat up on a couple of northern Indian cities. Then, 50 years later, the entire Khanate becomes a design document for Bethesda’s next Fallout release. This is one hornet’s nest not worth kicking, but oh how glad I am it’s being riled up.

With the outdated units peppering the Indian landscape, I wonder if Indira is going to upgrade them now that she’s done beelining Manhattan. Or, will she just devote every hammer to nukes until her cities are at maximum capacity? It won’t do any good if she leaves her armory defenseless.

Did Zimbabwe just upgrade a unit in foreign territory, or did they manage to somehow ferry that paratrooper off to the northeast while slipping a Power Ranger into Porlamar? Is Lavajella going to declare war on Zimbabwe just to gain control of a one-tile island? Is Indira going to declare total war to nuke the entire world? Who will feed the flying manta ray? Stay tuned for the answers to these and more burning questions on the Civ Battle Royale Network.

Taungoo founds Thobal, the first new city in ages! I may be obsessing over this point, but I’ve been waiting over half a year to discuss it. Looking at this portion of the map, I see three things. Taungoo is very close to India. Taungoo also has zero peacekeepers in their territory, just a couple of scouts. Taungoo also also has a one-pop city that could be instantly nuked off the map.

Just sayin’.

While New Zealand invades to the north, Tonga invades to the south, forming a familiar icon. Of the two cities taking damage in this scene, Tonga has much more to lose. However, New Zealand is also known for their procreative abilities, and have some overpopulated megalopoli of their own to salivate over. What this all boils down to is that fact that these cities are virtually indestructible until the seas are carpeted with Missile Destroyers. But it’s still fun to watch.

Indira regains control of Madurai, to the delight of mapmakers everywhere. Actually, if you look at India on the minimap, it looks an awful lot like a nuclear bomb pointing directly at Kazakhstan. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Would you look at this? Maratha ropes the Qin along to watch them dive headlong into Nepal. This is a sad day for Nepal fans, as their dozen Great War Infantry don’t stand a chance against Maratha. The 56(!)-pop city of Bhaktapur is instantly cut down to half health, and is sure to be a boon to their production. We’re nearing the end of this episode, but we shouldn’t count out a double-elimination just yet.

I won’t even pretend to understand how, but Tonga is winning this war with a thinner fleet and lesser tech. Gisborne is now down to the yellow while Vaini has barely taken a scratch. Perhaps it’s due to a concerted global effort to blockade New Zealand from a southern approach. If that’s the case, it’s proving to be rather effective, letting Tonga get a couple of free licks in before New Zealand can catch up.

Nazca eliminating the Kuikuro opened Pandora’s Box, but New Zealand just shook out all the contents by capturing Haiyuwel and Kauxsel. This flagrant display of aggression at Uruguay’s back door can’t be good for Seddon. These two South American civs have been at peace for a very long time, even sharing open borders for a while. May Nebuchadnezzar have mercy on Dick’s soul.

Far to the north, the Métis and Venice declare peace in lands that declare war. This may be the largest PP™ on the cylinder, with the surprise benefactor being Shikoku. Of all the possible civs to be involved in a war against the Evenks, I wouldn’t have expected Shikoku to be in position to capture cities, especially on this side of their territory.

Once again I implore those of you reading or listening to this episode to make your voices heard on the subreddit or Discord regarding this vile Peacekeeper Problem™.

The Qin have the perfect opportunity to take Nuwankot off of Nepal’s hands, if it weren’t for the pesky mountain blocking the way. Unless Taungoo joins the coalition, this may be Tibet all over again.

In other news, watch out HRE. Venice has unfinished business.

Of greater interest is Sakamoto Ryoma turning his ire toward the Evenks. His bloodthirst is unrestrained, much to the delight of this narrator. I know I’ve already said it, but Shikoku has been everything I was hoping for and more, despite losing out on much of the benefit from it’s UA which grants bonuses for settling on new land masses. This is a finely tuned killing machine, and the gears of war are revving up to grind across Asia. I doubt it’s a coincidence their colors are nearly identical to those of Mk. 2’s Sibir, as they manage their attacks in a strikingly familiar fashion.

However, for all the amusement previous narrators have gotten referencing the Evenks, they’re still here for a reason. As the patron saint of armchair philosphers himself, Yogi Berra, once said, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.” Case in point: the immediate air strike against Jeonju.

I swore I was going to resist the urge to interject puns as much as possible, but alas here we are. Tonga has fully inserted the PP™ into a somewhat appropriate landmass, rendering Uruguay completely impotent as they attempt to rise into North America. Once again, Teiaiagon is the source of the region’s attention.

The epilogue for Haiti is written in the southern Atlantic, where a Venezuelan murder party searches out the last remnants of a soon-forgotten civilization. When the history books are written a millennium from now, there will be no chapter, nor barely a footnote to mark their place in history.

Side note: Did you know chimpanzees will send out murder parties to hunt down lone males from rival tribes that dare to enter their territory? In a sense, this simulation we all love and enjoy is the evolutionary equivalent.

While we all joked and created lore mystifying the Selk’nam as the demonic superpower from below, a devil has been tearing his way through any and all who dare to stand in his way. His latest victim, the peaceful cultists at the farthest reaches of South America. Dick has taken another bite out of the tip, adding Kóser to his list of conquests.

The quill is primed. The pen touches paper. LOVECRAFT is preparing its eulogy.

There’s no other title I can think of to appropriately describe this scene. I’m hoping I have a special form of colorblindness that makes the Nazca color scheme look exactly like a Denny’s bathroom floor at 3 AM, but I challenge anyone to find another civ that comes close.

Not only has Rotorua fallen ill, but Haveluloto has fallen suit. If Saosi isn’t concentrating 100% of his effort to fend off New Zealand, then Tonga may be running low on it’s notorious Time.

Gongju and Jeonju appear to be in more competent hands under Ryoma’s watch. An Evenk triplane catches fire and plummets toward the ocean after taking a direct hit from a garrisoned bazooka. A paratrooper is within range of capturing Duojin, and I would be astonished if it doesn’t waltz in to limit the Evenk airforce to naval vessels. Which reminds me… it’s been a while since I’ve played Ace Combat 5.

As a bonus, we’re reminded that Scotland still needs processing power.

While Bombogor’s attention is turned toward Gongju, Ryoma has executed a masterful sneak attack by sending a backdoor squad into Vanavara. I may be wrong, but I can’t remember seeing Shikoku troops in Khamug territory, meaning the open border treaty with Ablai Khan and the Kazakhs has paid off beautifully.

In what may be the first total elimination of the game, the final Haitian unit (that I’m aware of anyway) is nearing its ultimate demise. This is a wonderful day for Haiti fans. What? Did you think I was going to say it’s sad? They exist all the way into Turn 492, when most early simulations had them dying off after their first war. This is a new year, and I intend to completely eschew negativity to make room for optimism and positive vi-- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

I’m informed that in the upper left corner of this scene we can see evidence of a Uruguayan Nexus, a mini-mothership with 120 combat strength and 5 movement, capable of carrying 4 aircraft. If that isn’t enough to infect your nightmares, it also comes equipped with cover and flanking promotions. Uh… neat. Heh heh. Positive vibes. Positive vibes. Positive vibes.

Viking fans rejoice at this look at a sliver of their northern border with the Sami. Moving on...

As a supporter of chaos and Indian nuclear capability, I relish seeing all of these cities at full health. And of all civs, Mada-fucking-gascar has thrust their PP™ into Indira’s core.

I started off the CBRX primarily in support of Madagascar, but after their woeful effort against Zimbabwe followed by a peace deal that would make Robert The Bruce proud, this recent development has cemented Ranavalona as “spoiler” in my eyes, turning heel faster than you can say Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Still, I will keep my fingers crossed for the day that Indira puts the “Bomb” in “Bombay”. Hopefully Indira can gain favor with a leader powerful enough to plant a protective unit in her territory to dissuade any other civs from launching full-scale nuclear retaliation.

Yep. There it is. Bombogor becomes the next to taste Shikoku steel, losing Duojin in a single turn. He at least had the foresight to relocate his planes to Taimura, but it appears to be the next city on the chopping block.

Of greater interest is the rate at which Riel is pumping out units. Every civ that has granted him open borders is quickly filling with Métis units. It appears the Métis war machine is going full steam, and I’d bet the farm that their next target is the distracted Iroquois.

Now this is just sublime. Autocratic nations unite to protect the one-tile island of Porlamar from Uruguayan control. The few Guay ships that manage to escape the Bermuda Triangle return with tales of supernatural occurrences, of men appearing out of thin air morphing from one nation’s uniform into another, of ships being drawn magnetically to the island’s shores and unable to escape its pull as if lured by sirens, of horribly stale rations and thrice-watered coffee grounds.

New Zealand wraps around the Tongan core like an octopus investigating bagpipes. There are a couple of bites missing here and there, no serious damage anywhere evident, but the potential for instantaneous deflation looms. Siaosi has put a stalwart defense here, but it won’t last much longer without reinforcements arriving. Tonga Time is close to being demoted from a universal clock setting to a mere hourglass.

The Selk’nam are being pushed out of their home, soon to be occupied by New Zealand until they piss off Uruguay enough to receive a forceful eviction. Sorry, Dawkinzz. Eventually we’ll back the right horse.

I can’t see “Maratha” without thinking of the brand of long-grain rice that used to adorn the ad-spaces of city buses when I was a child. That connection is strengthened by the fact that they’re staging a war solely using long-range units. Nepal’s chances seem pretty solid considering that fact. However, all it takes is one unit cleared out to make room for a paratrooper to waltz in and claim the 57-pop city of Bhaktapur.

In other news, Palmyra joins the list of nuclear powers. This should be the step that puts India’s nuclear program into high gear. (I know I’ve been obsessing over this. I apologize to all of our readers and listeners who have grown tired of it by now, but this is my CBR equivalent of finding a Playstation 5 under the Christmas tree. Bear with me, and it will all be over soon.)

A Nepalese Great War Infantryman takes a wrong turn and enters a hail of gunfire, brought within an inch of his life. “I don’t like this at all,” he says. He attempts to retreat, but Nepal’s tourism board has done such a good job of attracting foreign dignitaries that there is no room for his escape.

Meanwhile, the mad Manx go nuclear. All aboard the crazy train!

Seddon proves he was right to act when he did, slowly squeezing the life out of Tonga’s western holdings as New Zealand advances through the area. This is less like the octopus and the bagpipes, and more like a wolf herding sheep into a cluster to pick off one after another. I wouldn’t usually advocate for it, but giving a city or two away to gain peace wouldn’t be the worst idea right now. Tonga better find peace soon on one front or another any way they can, before they find themselves devoid of cities to offer.

A concerted effort by many autocratic nations keeps Uruguay at bay, stopping them at Teiaiagon. Were it not for that, the entire southern region would be blue by now. Hiawatha has taken this opportunity to create a Mutant. Killing these biological abominations has the adverse effect of infecting nearby enemy units with barbarianism, as can be seen at IRL Daytona Beach, just like in real life!

Zimbabwe watches… in disgust.

Shikoku continues to embarrass the Evenks. A lone paratrooper claims Taimura for itself, and Embenchime is soon to follow. The extreme melee bias shown by Ryoma here should be a frightening sight for anyone close enough to witness it. Aggressors beware. Ryoma is not playing around.

Ablai Khan, who rightfully should be mentioned here considering his position and coordination of this war, beats Ryoma to the punch, and introduces the residents of Sulomay to the funky sounds of Corky Buchek.

And, much to the relief of Tonga supporters, they withdraw from a war I completely forgot they were participants in. This makes the Kiwi backstab especially sinister, turning on their allies against the Selk’nam. Dick, you dirty dog.

As the minimap hawks have noticed by now, the Yu’pik recapture Mackinac and Fort Pitt from Riel, and I believe Saint Paul de Metis is included in that gain.

Zimbabwe watches.

Lavalleja finally gives up any hope of taking Porlamar and orders withdrawal from the Bermuda Triangle. The ships that return have been changed by the mysterious location, the men forever altered in a state of paranormal consciousness, living between dimensions. Lavalleja sends a platoon of Hybrid Drones to replace them in the hopes that their mechanical workings don’t succumb to the same fate. These new units are slightly changed for this battle, losing 1 movement point and 10 ranged strength, but are granted Indirect Fire and the ability to move after attacking.

Australia and Uruguay find a sudden interest in the icy Kiwi outpost of Timaru. Could this be foreshadowing of the next major conflict in the cylinder? Heat up your oil, air popper, microwave, whatever you use to make popcorn, because it’s about to get very interesting soon.

New Zealand goes right for the jugular and strikes hard at the Tongan capital of Nuku’alofa. Having brought some melee units along for the ride, capture of the city is nigh unless Siaosi can broker peace this turn.

Ryoma really owes Louis Riel a gift basket at the very least for his assistance in the war against Bombogor. The Kazakhs have been throughly fucked by Metis PP™ aides, letting Shikoku have their way with the Evenks.

Golden Horde fought without nerve

Bad at war, lost and got stuck at Merv

Bad with a gun

Glad that it’s done

Wasn’t it fun, Golden Horde 

And that’s it for the Huns of the CBRX. If memory serves, I’m pretty sure their timeline mirrors their predecessors’ in many ways. Either way, I’m glad that’s finally out of the way. The aggregate loading time saved by skipping their turn from now on should gain us an extra slide or two every episode.

Someone clue me in here. Which Social Policy would Uruguay have to unlock to gain nearly 13,000 science and a nationwide production bonus? This is bad news for the cylinder, and great news for our insatiable bloodlust. Uruguay could shift into 6th gear with this boost expediting production of more XCOMs. Or they could keep wonderehoring. If this doesn’t shift the tide against the Iroquois, I’ll be flabbergasted.

Zimbabwe watches in astonishment.

Venezuela captures Tsokanende from the Apache, adding one more city to the Gulf of Venezuela. The Nazca offer Geronimo no path to retake the city. Until he can train paratroopers, the city won’t be changing hands anytime soon.

Nuku’alofa falls to New Zealand. Upon arrival, Admiral William Wilson sends an urgent transmission to Wellington informing them the island did not even have koalas, let alone new koala fur. The impending passive-aggressive night-long derision from his wife at the next Admiral’s Ball for failing to deliver on his promise of a new coat to flaunt in front of the Thompsons drives Wilson to surpress his dread with rage. He will make the Tongans pay for their mistake. They will feel his wrath for daring to make him refuse to learn Tongan so he could avoid this insufferable inevitability. Once his blind rage finally desensitizes him to the point that he can withstand the scheduled night of vapid small talk, whispered insults, and desperate posturing, he plants an ebon flag atop the mountain of slain Tongans.

He leaves seventy-one million innocent victims in his wake.

Ryoma adds Embenchime to the Shikoku empire, and turns his attention toward Miryuga. Perhaps he caught wind of Wilson’s exploits, rushing directly at the largest city in range. Citizens of Kislokan quiver in fear of being the next target.

How this isn’t the final slide of the episode is beyond me. We’re back where we started at Teiaiagon, which has finally returned to Iroquois control. In that time we have witnessed shattered dreams, merciless devastation, and sweet release. We’ve also endured some clear bias and hopeful postulation.

I know the world is changing very fast and the feelings we have can sometimes be hard to understand. It’s easy to become attached to someone and create expectations, and sometimes we find someone else that excites us, and we want to see them and have fun without concern for the consequences it may have on the ones we love. That’s why it’s so important that we find a way to keep the PP™ under control.

I’m glad we had that talk.

On the next episode of… Civilization Battle Royale:

A flash ignites the powderkeg in Africa as Benin declares war against Beta Israel! Will Forgie’s Law prevail? Who will live? Who will die? Who… will watch?

The icy hearts of the arctic go blow-for-blow on the snow! Capital cities will fall! Millions will perish! Viewers will rejoice!

And, as always, iiiiiiiiiit’s TONGA TIME!

This is bluesox wishing you all a joyous and prosperous 2020. Thanks to Sid Meier and Firaxis for building the arena. Thanks to the modding community for expanding the rules and the players. Thanks to the thenyanmaster and TPangolin for the vision and curiosity to push the concept to its limits. Thanks to Blue Cassette and the CivBattleRoyale community at the subreddit r/CivBattleRoyale for continuing the experiment, and for providing a constant stream of creativity, analysis and lore. And thank you for being a part of this exciting journey. Stay tuned for the next episode of Civ Battle Royale, brought to you by Blue Cassette.