Civ Battle Royale March 10, 2026
Rhoze
Hopes are crushed and expectations are subverted in this week’s episode of the civ battle royale. Read on!
Hello, and welcome to episode 8 of Season 5 of the Civilization Battle Royale X. I’m Rhoze, your narrator this week, and I’ve got a whole six of my children as competitors this time. Some have been doing well, some less so, but I’m sure they’ll be putting on their best show for my narration, right?
The world, mapped for us by Sonicfan. See if you can count all the remaining city spots.
Orangechrisy brings us another great civball comic. Will Cebu’s newfound taste for blood propel them further this episode?
Wow, look at all those Pomo supporters! A huge thanks as always to the regular ko-fi donators.
And! Don’t forget! Go to the ko-fi page NOW to look at the options for ordering your very own CBRX5 stickers or magnets!
This week’s spotlight civ is Cebu, who is currently winning due to owning two original capitals.
Surely the power rankers have placed them in first to reflect this.
YEAAAHHHH that’s what I’m talking about! Screw the haters! Screw the rankers! Screw the people who labelled them Nenets 2 after 1 episode! Bjarmaland captures Vassa, proving itself after the blunder of an attack against Estonia several centuries ago. They also settle Wegestaf, advancing their control west. Now, Kalmar does have a half-health trireme that may be able to sneak a recapture in, but that’s the only melee unit in sight, so from this angle, Vassa seems likely to stay purple at the end of this war.
On the side, a Scottish settler approaches the snowy cap of Norway.
Famed Gothic leader Alaric takes a break from relaxing on the sub after X1 and joins Amina’s army as a general. He immediately advises her to declare war on Ma’in, thinking that this will intimidate the invading Aures. Ever the strategist, that Alaric. In celebration, Kushaka is settled in an eminently defensive position.
The vice Kolonga Mazula has found himself in squeezes ever tighter. Mbewe shows little sign it could ever have been controlled by Maravi, and the lone Admiral defending Mankhamba is staring down a huge Ethiopian force, and significant forays from Luba and the Seychelles besides. It seems certain Mankhamba will fall, the only question being who to.
In a very interesting turn of events, a mass of Green Ukraine units descends upon Tang’s newly settled and lightly defended northern border. Will Yurii Hlushko defy his reputation for underperformance, or will the slippery Taizong wriggle his way into yet more free cities?
Along the top of the map, all the local civilizations have settlers roaming around the slowly evaporating free space. And Pegu of course.
Commemorating his creeping plague of control over Australia, John Macarthur officially takes office as king. The taste of power is addicting.
Wallachia enlists Xu Da, a major general in the overthrow of the Yuan dynasty and establishment of the Ming, known as “the Great Wall” for the Ming. Unfortunately when the wall is made of soldiers, they do still need gold to maintain them.
Also a lone Bireme flips Baalbek back to Phoenician control. It won’t last.
Sho Shin, desperately fleeing the island home he nurtured from nothing, hears that Naha has also fallen, Tang’s soldiers running rampant through the burning city. Arriving in Nanzan, the situation is also grim, a defiant contingent of archers staying in the city while the local general and fleeing populace have already evacuated to Taiwan. Knowing these could be his last moments on the cylinder, he sets off again from Nanzan.
A look at the turn order tells us that Lanfang has a chance to snipe Nanzan before Tang’s turn.
Davi Kopenawa has surrounded Cholula with units, and defended only with triremes, the panama canal seems likely to fall. There’s another Yanomami front at the lower right of this image, but I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Fuck my stupid tungus life. Said half-health trireme does get to sneak in, and Hárekr’s units have evaporated too on the counterattack.
Yep. There’s no way this becomes Phoenician again unless the pope has a heart attack from all the cheese he’s inhaling.
The Umhaill navy spreads itself along the Iberian coast, trying to eke out a foothold, while the French ooze in through Amiens. Porto, trapped from both sides, seems likely to fall to either the hammer or the anvil.
Fresh off the thrill of taking Kanjak Sangir, Ioann decides to use the army still amassed there to make an attempt on another former Kipchak city, declaring war on the new owners of Sarai before the city has even healed up. From this scene, his chances look good, but the AI has been known to bungle better odds.
Yunnan’s citizens have decided that warlord Long Yun isn’t doing a very good job, and the civilization is now a republic. Maybe they can democratically join in the attacks on Tang and try to retake Zhaotong.
Scotland settles an island that I’m guessing is representing some of the Shetlands, in addition to the previous claiming of the Faroes. Kalmar also has an embarked settler, potentially joining in the scramble for the north Atlantic.
Knowing he can’t make any further progress on Ryukyu, Humabon next leverages his army against Yunnan. Kaiyuan is surrounded and will fall with some luck, but any further progress will be difficult.
Lanfang’s turn passes, putting Nanzan in the full black but failing to capture. The city, and elimination, will be Tang’s.
The onlooking general is revealed to be Yuenü, or the Lady of Yue, legendary swordswoman of Yuyue. Author of the earliest known work on swordplay, she is said to have mastered the weapon in obscurity before being recognized and put in charge of training the kingdom’s army.
Just like real life, her nation is being annihilated and subsumed by China. I’m sure she’s having a great time on the cylinder.
A sudden coalition breaks out against the Anishinaabe. They aren’t in as much trouble as it might look like though, as neither the Pomo nor Tlingit appear to have readied any units for an invasion. Notably not joining in the coalition is the Ponca. This is the perfect chance for White Eagle, he really should jump in.
Panning over to the Susquehannock front of the invasion, Old Sheehays doesn’t seem to have been prepared either. He has a large army, but it’s going to take several turns to begin putting pressure on Tangouaen.
The Ket become a theocracy. Perhaps this will help them spread their powerful religion. Or perhaps it won’t, I don’t know RtP.
Cholula indeed falls to the Yanomami, and in celebration Davi Kopenawa declares himself Prince. However, with a better look at Xavante’s invasion things look dicey - the new prince should try to make peace as soon as he can. Teotihuacan also has a few triremes poised to turn Cholula into a flipfest.
Kaiyuan falls into the yellow, but the invasion force seems like it might be getting a tad distracted. We also see that Tang also failed to take Nanzan last turn. Maybe everyone is just trying to avoid the elimination penalty.
Since we last saw it, Mankhamba has taken a bit of damage, but all the aggressors have neglected to refill their attacking units, while Kolonga Mazula has managed to get some horsemen up. It may not fall to conquest, though I’d say it’s probable he gives it away for peace if it doesn’t.
Circassia also becomes theocratic. They’ve really filled out nicely from their stuttered beginning. Sadly, the attack on Phoenicia seems to be faltering, units split between too many cities.
Waqah’il Sadiq makes peace with Dihya, giving us an excuse to look at his beleaguered civilization. Unless something miraculous happens, they seem set to lose Nashan as well soon.
If Morenga put in a bit of effort, he could clean this area up, seeing as all three of Maravi cities down here are practically undefended. For some unfathomable reason, he’s sending his entire army at the only city with a garrison, and the one with more than twice the defense of the others.
Multiple civs lay claim to the Qinghai plateau. A wandering Qara-Khitai settler looks like it might cut Mysore’s colony off from Channapatna, if the natural border expansion of Yutian and Mymensingh doesn’t do it first.
Yurii’s units swarm westward at both his foes, damaging Ulansuhai Nur and surrounding Tongchuan.
Harchin settles Yankemosir and has another on the way to Aynumosir. It’s what he needs to do, but that’s a very scary army amassing in Hiroshima again. Green Ukraine has also settled in the area, so Hiroshima is looking very isolated. Hideyoshi probably needs to use that army as soon as possible.
I hate it here.
Teotihuacan’s turn passes without retaking Cholula, but with the city surrounded on all naval sides. Yanomami will need to really leverage those archers properly to keep it.
Panning over to the realm of the shrimp eaters, they continue building up their forces by recruiting Arminius. Famed still for his embarrassment of the Romans at Teutoburg, he will find the tree cover of South America familiar, if not the heat.
A pair of far-flung war declarations provide an excuse to look at Qara-Khitai. Newly settled Khujand projects power north, and a couple more settlers seek to find their place in the dwindling space nearby. A solid army waits fortified. It would see better use attacking the Mysorean colony, or even the Kipchaks again.
Sarai takes damage under the Vyatchan assault, but Bactria is sending many reinforcements. Ioann will need to commit more than just a raiding party if he hopes to bring his civilization southward.
Taking advantage of the Bactrian distraction, Gelonus is taking another stab at Vyatka. Scythia’s army isn’t looking too thick, but it’s certainly more threatening than what Vyatka has up here. Ioann will really need to leverage those infoaddict stats to come out unscathed.
Hárekr also joins in for the hell of it.
Panning up to the new Vyatka-Bjarmaland “front”, you wouldn’t even know there’s a war on. Clearly my civs are colluding, and just throwing out a war dec to keep up appearances.
The anvil wins out, and Porto falls to France. Joao still has a few melee units right there, so there’s a chance, at least, at a flip or two. On the other side of Iberia, Aveiro languishes in the black, though what units have been damaging it I couldn’t tell you.
Grace’s strategy appears to be to mill around near Lisbon doing nothing. How nice of her to distract Joao and let Robespierre have all the cities.
Yurii Hlushko makes peace with Yujiulü Mugulü to focus on the invasion of Tang. Tongchuan is still surrounded, but Tang reinforcements are starting to trickle into Kaifeng.
Huh. Mysore attacks Qara-Khitai, stealing the settler that was set to cut them off. I can’t see this working out for Tipu Sultan, however, as he only has a spearman and a catapult to defend against Yelu Dashi’s core army. If Salem doesn’t fall something will have gone horribly wrong.
Also Pakistan declares war on Tang, all the cool kids are doing it.
Ma’in manages to secure peace with Phoenicia without giving up even more cities - just in time for the Sumerian army to storm into Nashan. Qarnawu and Inabba are so defensive that they probably won’t be conquered by a land army though.
Seeing the writing on the wall, Sho Shin quickly grabs all the supplies needed to found a new city and sets off to sea again. Just as the burning city begins to fade from the horizon, he sees the flag of Tang raised over the rubble. There is no longer any home for the Ryukyuan people. On his way to Taiwan to meet up with his vestigial army, he is greeted instead by a hail of arrows. The settlers and supplies sink to the bottom of the cold ocean, never to be seen again, as does Sho Shin’s grieving body. The light fades.
And then he wakes up again. Standing up from a cold surface, surrounded by six other gently beeping caskets, he finds himself alone. Weary footsteps echo along an empty steel corridor. Wherever he finds himself, this alien metal tomb, there is no other sign of life to be seen. Seams that might be doors lie sealed, guiding Shin’s route to a room full of sixty-three subtly disordered chairs. He sits on one, seemingly at random, waiting.
A screen, formerly unseen in the gloom, lights up and displays a single sentence. “Continue watching?”
Spearthrower Owl’s fleet returns Cholula to its founder’s grasp. The Yanomami spearmen have retreated for some reason, so it’s possible the city stays Teotihuacano.
Grace’s expeditioning settler bypasses Greenland entirely, heading perhaps for Baffin or Labrador. The local Anishinaabe have another settler here too, but it is still one of the most open areas still on the map.
The three forces converging on Mankhamba still haven’t given up, but Maravi has managed to bring up yet more reinforcements. In charge of the Seychellois naval force is Gaius Duillius, a consul who won Rome’s first ever victory at sea, during the first Punic War. He must be feeling a bit perturbed that his erstwhile ally of Ethiopia has abandoned the land route to embark all their units in his way.
Dihya is putting pressure on Kajuru, and Amina has also embarked several of her units for some mysterious reason.
Many settlers roam the sahara, searching for the few remaining available spots.
Recognising she won’t get anywhere with Lisbon, Grace makes peace and starts looking for somewhere to park her fleet.
One of the architects of the French invasion is revealed to be Yamagata Masakage, a samurai known for his service of Takeda Shingen.
Remember civs, this is what it looks like if you refuse to settle your voronoi! Don’t be like Hotu Matu’a!
Rapa Nui appears to be focusing on religion, though they have even less religious units than Caral in this scene alone.
Up in the north Pacific, Pomo appears to be on its way to lay claim to Hawai’i.
Huh, the community tile map shows Hawai’i isolated by ocean until astronomy, which clearly isn’t the case. Mappers!
Kaiyuan indeed falls to Humabon. Qujing is a much harder nut to crack, but what the hell Cebu’s on a roll, go for it!
In one of the most deranged moves of the episode, Tipu Sultan decides that Salem and Karwar aren’t in enough danger from just Qara-Khitai, and declares war on Tang as well. Reminder that Mysore is the aggressor in both of these! The only saving grace might be that Taizong is clearly just as caught off guard as the rest of us, and has no units on this side of his empire.
Also Shin Sawbu smells blood in the water and decides it’s time for another try at Yunnan.
I’d be hard pressed to tell you what of import has changed in this slide since we saw it two turns ago. In service of Maravi, Phil H. Bucklew, a former american footballer turned navy “special warfare” pioneer. Unfortunately, so focused on special warfare, he forgot about basic warfare, and didn’t bring any ships with him. Oops.
While we’re in the area, we take a look at how the Seychelles are developing. Another settler looks to fill out Madagascar, joining a new claim to Réunion.
Sidenote, why does Réunion get to be 2 tiles while Mauritius is only 1? This won’t stand.
The vanguard of Scythian horsemen spread through the Vyatchan plains. Nikulitsyn and Dymkovo seem to be in the most danger, but are also the easiest to reinforce with the units at Kanjak Sangir. The horsemen will mow through the bowmen favoured by Vyatka, but will struggle to take cities. This really could go either way.
Rouran settles further north with Huaiyu, but the far-flung Pegu settler is still on its journey. Watch it go all this way for an empty snow city.
Noticing a dark-blue-on-light-blue scout in his borders, Olgit declares he has had enough! Quickly penning a declaration on Estonia, he is soon confused when he still can’t attack this damn scout (I believe it is a Wassoulou unit).
Bunuba completes Shwedagon Paya, a Medieval era wonder that provides a ridiculous amount of science. Maybe they can tech up and take their revenge on the colonists?
John Macarthur settles Ross onnnn Christmas Island, by the looks. Probably isn’t called that on the cylinder. Something more relevant to Ngarranggarni.
Oh, hey.Bunuba completes Shwedagon Paya, a Medieval era wonder that provides a ridiculous amount of science. Maybe they can tech up and take their revenge on the colonists?
Not only have the Tlingit not manifested an attack, Shgagwei is surrounded and could be in danger of falling! Or, well, it could if Pontiac brought any melee units.
Ponca decides that they’re the Anishinaabe’s best friends.
Ismail Berzeg defies my words, waltzing into Byblos! The Phoenician army is practically nonexistent - can Circassia push further?
The Aures settle Ad Medias on the western edge of the desert. There is still a spot for Wassoulou that would see Odienné connected and Ad Medias cut off, but they seem reluctant to use any of the three settlers wandering around up there.
Dihya’s assault on Kajuru is also floundering.
Locked in this vast metal cage, Sho Shin watches as on the strange screen the maiden of Yue and a nameless archer support a nameless spearman. Taizong’s claim is routed, and, alone in a room with 62 empty chairs, he watches the banner of Nanzan unceremoniously turn purple.
“They’re still fighting!”
Somehow, he stands. “I have to join them. Let me in!”
Nothing happens.
“Can you hear me? Whoever brought me here! Let me in!”
Nothing happens.
So, like a man possessed, he runs with the only thought he has left in his mind.
Through the winding corridors, past the sealed doors, until once again he sees seven strange caskets, gently beeping. One has a lid open.
Resolute, he steps inside.
Pakistan sneaks behind Mysore to settle the Maldives. Two more settlers trail behind, though they won’t find any more spots here. I believe Pegu’s settle on the Andamans is also new.
Seeing Davi Kopenawa crown himself prince in the middle of their war, Apoena decides to do the same. Now if only he could imitate the ability to capture cities.
Pontiac settles Mooniyaang on the north coast, unaware that a fleet of Susquehanna triremes is making its way towards Hudson Bay. The new city is looking mighty defenseless.
A French horseman thunders through the Pyrenees and into Aveiro. Joao’s hopes of success are drying up, but at least he’s following somewhat in Maria’s footsteps.
Yeah, Salem is doomed. The distraction has also let Togortak settle Suun up against the Qara-Khitai borders.
When he opens his eyes, Sho Shin sees not the dark steel of that strange realm, but instead the burning fires of a strained Nanzan. He keeps running, up until he sees the nearest Tang general. Bedraggled, soaked, and exhausted, he faces the invaders with the banner of Ryukyu flying from Nanzan behind him. Maybe it’s his diplomatic wit, maybe it’s his threatening demeanour, or maybe it’s those eyes that can’t forget the sight of something beyond the cylinder, but the peace treaty is signed.
In stunned silence, Sho Shin walks into what’s left of Nanzan - what’s left of Ryukyu - and seats himself on a fallen pillar. This is it. One last chance. No regrets.
In a quiet, lonely room filled with sixty-three chairs laid out in subtle disarray, a gently lit screen blinks off.
Many of Vyatka’s cities are taking damage, though Ateas seems to have given up on the south, surrounding Slobodskoy instead.
His showing has somehow intimidated Margarethe into giving away Bergen in an irrelevant war. So she’ll give up that for literally nothing, but won’t give Vassa to the player who has actually conquered it before?? What is this AI man.
France-Albert René and Jacob Morenga give up on the Maravi coalition. Incredibly disappointed in Herero here. The whole south coast could have been theirs. Build up and try again.
Cholula goes back to the Yanomami. But that’s a lot of triremes still. Feels like a coinflip as to who it’s going to end up with at this point.
Scotland lays claim to Iceland. That Kalmar settler has turned around too, so the north Atlantic is looking decidedly like it’s going to be Mary’s.
They’ve been around for a while, and their effect described before, but here’s a close-up on the unique Bjarmian Ashen Slayer.
As the mod’s author, the unit is inspired by a passage in Olafs saga helga, where the invading vikings use a magic powder to hide their tracks from the Bjarmians they have just raided and looted. The Bjarmian archers seem mostly unaffected, trailing the magicians to the ocean anyway and pelting their ships with arrows.
Pakistan and Bangladesh grow tired of shouting insults at each other over the dividing wall of Mysore and make peace.
With the immediate existential threat out of the way, Sho Shin turns his attention to a slightly lesser one, and also makes peace with Lanfang. We can also observe that Cebu has made peace with Yunnan, keeping Kaiyuan.
Harchin indeed settles Malka where it looked like it would be.
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If ANY of you jokesters in the comments make any observations about whether or not Malka might or might not be on a river, I WILL find you.
For a tripartite coalition against him, it looks awfully like Pontiac is winning. Shgagwei is down to the red, but the closest melee units are some warriors by the capital. Pomo’s Kadi’u is also under attack.
Tired of the flipping back and forth, both Caral and Xaragua join in the war on Teotihuacan. I’m not sure how much of a force Caral will commit, but Uaxactun is looking nice and vulnerable to the flotilla of triremes Xaragua has been preparing. Maybe Anacaona will finally do something?
Oh dear. Left alone in the war against Yunnan, Shin Sawbu suddenly finds herself at war with all of her neighbours. The new Andamanese settles seem vulnerable from both sides, and Lanfang can probably make moves on Muttama too.
The vice on Mankhamba finally breaks through, a Luba horseman claiming the sweet prize of Kilimanjaro for Illunga Sungu. The Maravi defenders have been routed, unless one of those near-death triremes can flip it back.
Units from both Luba and Ethiopia are advancing on Kolonga Mazula’s capital, but the terrain is so defensive I can’t see them getting far.
Y’know I hadn’t thought about it but I guess merchant is the best class for Schindler. France-Albert René looks to fill out the centre of his empire by settling on Farquhar, that looks like.
Mysore plops a city onto Nias, as if the region wasn’t messy enough. Lanfang’s units all seem to be funnelling north for the assault on Pegu.
Nikulitsyn falls. Dymkovo is cut off. Bjarmaland has even shipped over some units and is damaging Shabalinskoe.
My civs are having a right mare today; why did I take this episode lmao.
One of those nearly-dead triremes does make a last ditch recapture of Mankhamba. Kolonga Mazula has a narrow window to peace out and keep the city, or this is just a chance for Ethiopia to take it instead.
Oh, well done Pontiac! In nice prioritisation, a trireme has made its way to the battered Shgagwei and captured it.
A glance at the minimap also reveals that Grace’s settler has ended its wandering in Labrador, right between Mooniyaang and Gistswiahna.
Joining the Circassian army as it floods towards Tyre is Quintus Fabius Maximus Verrucosus, who could really drop some of those names. He became known as “cunctator” - “the delayer” - for his tactics in fighting off Hannibal.
The Bjarmy army is on its way over and Shabalinskoe is falling fast. Vyatka just doesn’t have enough units to defend against every front.
Back to Luba.
There is one more Maravi trireme with literally one health, but surely it can’t happen again, right?
Salem inevitably falls. The only question is whether Yelu Dashi can penetrate the mountainous terrain of Karwar.
Hideyoshi plops down Najima on the end of Shandong. Or Santo now I suppose. Up at the top, Green Ukraine has like two rings of Tongchuan surrounded. Take the damn city!
Pegu settles Rew and it immediately gets swarmed by Bangladeshi triremes. It’s only a turn into the anti-Pegu coalition but honestly things don’t look terrible yet at least.
Teotihuacan is at least not beset in the north, letting it settle K’ Naahb’ Nal.
Jandamarra joins many other leaders in declaring himself a prince. With the whole civ in shot, it doesn’t look terrible, even after losing Jijidu. Tech up and take it back!
The Hyksos decide that they’re now a nomadic horde. They don’t seem to be doing much nomad-ing but do have plenty of horses at least. They should use them for something - perhaps participate in the downfall of Phoenicia?
As you may have noticed over the last couple of scenes, Felipe Camarao has decided to have another crack at the Xavante. You’d think the war with Yanomami would have worn down Apoena’s forces, but, uh, it doesn’t really seem so. Maybe the shrimp eaters can get somewhere regardless.
A few have been cropping up over the episode, but it’s time for a closeup on the Japanese Ashigaru, a unique pikeman. It lacks anti-mounted capabilities, which may prove inconvenient against Green Ukraine and Tang, but is otherwise both cheaper and much stronger in groups, also featuring the potential to become an early musketman.
It doesn’t otherwise come up, so we also note here that Vyatka has reached peace with Bactria, without an exchange of cities.
We learn the name of Umhaill’s new world colony - Murrisk. Mooniyaang is also being battered by the Susquehanna triremes - if Old Sheehays can keep them focused, the city should be his.
And that’s where we leave it for this week. I’ve been Rhoze, I will remain Rhoze, and it’s been an agonising honour to narrate this week’s episode of the Civ Battle Royale!
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